Merry Christmas!

  Well, last night as we flew back to the North Pole after ALL our deliveries, I proposed to Mintchuckle and she said, "Uh...I'll think about it and get back to you." JUST KIDDING! She said yes! We'll be getting married sometime in April. Still talking dates right now.
   Santa is snoozing it up right now and tomorrow he and Mrs. Claus are headed down to Bali for some post-Christmas vacay. They always go somewhere south of the equator where it's warm and tropical.
   Well, that's all from me. Thanks for reading the blog! It's been fun. Hope you all have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year!
   Yours,
   Fritz

Ring a Ding Ding!

   As luck would have it, Mintchuckle and I were both chosen to go with Santa Claus to make Christmas present deliveries tonight! Well, I kind of had a hunch that we would be chosen for the expedition because we were both Outstanding Elves. Pollywog Parsnip was chosen too, as well as a few other elves that I didn't recognize. I think one works as a butler in the Clauses' mansion...
   Anyway, I have a big announcement to make! I am going to propose to Mintchuckle tonight on the sleigh! Woohoo! I went to Kitzerbox Hoogler's last night and picked out a pretty awesome ring. What do you think?

   I hope she likes it! It's a little plain, but...eh. Also, I told her NOT to read the blog today, and she promised she wouldn't, so I think the secret is safe. (You can all keep a secret, right?)
   Anyway, she's probably too busy to get online today because she has to finish a lot of baking for Mrs. Claus's annual Christmas Eve Cookie Party. I, on the other hand, am done for the day. The sleigh was loaded up last night and we just spent the morning cleaning up the shop and taking it easy.
   Tonight is going to be exciting! On so many levels!
   Merry Christmas!
   Fritz

Chucky and the Elf Entourage

   Snap! Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! We've got nearly all of our orders completed and have only had to make a few revisions this morning. It has been REALLY hectic! There are so many orders this year, Santa will likely have to take a sixth elf with him on the sleigh, as opposed to the typical five that have helped in out in years past. He usually picks the hardest working, most reliable, and least annoying/most entertaining elves (hey - it's a long night! He doesn't want to get stuck with some obnoxious elves carrying on and on about how cool it is to watch water turn into ice and other such nonsense. BORING!)
   Speaking of which, Mintchuckle was one of his helpers two years ago. At that time, she was going by the nickname Chucky. I had lunch with her today at the factory cafeteria and she was telling me all about it, and why she's no longer going by the name Chucky. (You see where this is going, right?) Well, it was exactly two years ago that the announcement was made regarding the elves who were chosen to help Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. As you know, Mintchuckle - er - "Chucky" Sweetcheeks was one of the names on the list (she's always been a popular lady up here, let me tell you!) She had a pretty bad case of laryngitis at the time, but decided to go anyway, since it's such a big honor. On Christmas Eve, Mintchuckle was helping Santa by untying a big package of stocking stuffers and the knot was just un-untie-able (is there a better word for that?) so, "Chucky" went to the kitchen and found a butcher knife to cut the string. Unfortunately, a little girl who lived in the house had snuck downstairs and saw her. The girl was pretty freaked out and nervously asked, "Who are you?!" Lacking the seemingly obvious foresight, Mintchuckle replied, with her raspy voice and raising the butcher knife, "I'm Chucky." As you can imagine, the girl freaked out. Mintchuckle was completely befuddled. It was a total fiasco. Santa Claus was sued and is still paying for this girl's therapy sessions. Mintchuckle felt soooo bad. Santa told her she should probably stop going by Chucky and stick to her full name, Mintchuckle. (I like that name better anyway.)
   Well, I better get back to work. We have to finish loading up the sleigh tonight - Sand Santa hates waiting until the last minute to get that all done. We'll see who gets picked to go on Santa's sleigh tonight. That's always exciting!
Hasta luego,
Fritz

One Pony Open Sleigh

   This afternoon, after church got out, Mintchuckle and I met up and went for a sleigh ride. My father has a shetland pony named Frankincense (we call him Old Frank) and a sleigh that we use this time of year on special occasions. (Below is a picture of Old Frank last summer.)

   It wasn't too cold outside, but we still had to bundle up pretty well. We had Quarterpockets and Daisy on either side of us and took off toward the north end of North Pole Island (which is kind of arbitrary, since everything is south of the actual north pole - which is designated by a historical landmark sign post with arrows pointing to Paris, Tokyo, Moscow, New York, Cairo, London, Beijing, etc.) where we watched the musk ox herd and the caribou graze out on the tundra. It was a really nice scene. I brought along a thermos of hot chocolate and some croissants in a hot tin box and we had a little picnic of sorts in the sleigh.
   Mintchuckle admitted to reading my blog and was very flattered by the nice things I said about her. Man was I blushing!
   Tonight I'm going to take her to meet my grandmother and the rest of my family. It should be fun!
   3 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS! Woohoo!
Tootles, my little macaroni noodles,
Fritz

Dog Show!

I need to apologize for not posting yesterday. I know I probably ruined hundreds of people’s day by not posting. I know how my posts are the most important part of your day besides catching up on what Snooky and Pauly D. and The Situation are up to. Just kidding, of course. Those guys aren’t real…
   Let me tell you about yesterday and why I absolutely had no time to post - and why I am just now posting so late in the day.
   Well, you see, yesterday was the big North Pole Dog Show. I had NO idea what a big deal it was (I’m such an amateur!) Sooo many participants. I arrived early at the event, trying to look professional, and already the arena was filled with dogs and their owners. Mostly smaller breeds, like chihuahuas, dachshunds, yorkies, and miniature pinschers, but there were a few larger breeds too (which will be key to the plot momentarily). One elf came in riding on the back of his Great Dane. That dog was huge!
    Anyway, I got Quarterpockets registered and off to his first event, doggy tricks. He performed playing dead, shaking, and hula hooping with a special miniature hula hoop I made for him in the shop. He was a real crowd pleaser! Let me tell you! Even Santa Claus, who attended the event, commented on how entertaining little Quarterpockets was! Dr. Treacletart, the veterinarian who was there on hand, said that Quarterpockets was his personal favorite. Mintchuckle said she was really impressed by his stage presence. She said he was “a natural.”
    Unfortunately, right before the next event started, an enormous gray cloud moved in, and a blizzard started! (Again - why in the world are we having these events OUTSIDE?! Seriously, I will single-handedly clean up all the mess MYSELF. Well...maybe not “single-handedly” - I’d probably use a broom,) Anyway, a huge gust of wind blew over the main tent and dogs went nuts and scrambled every which way. Then the snow started coming down in buckets and I lost Quarterpockets in the white-out. (One of the hazards of owning a white dog, I guess.) I wasn’t worried, though. He was in his element. The other dogs, however - like the high-maintenance poodles and the shih tzus - I wasn’t too sure about.
   A few of the judges tried to calm everyone down and direct people toward the reindeer stables nearby to salvage the event, but they were having a really hard time getting everyone’s attention. I happened to be near four little chihuahuas that were huddled together, so I took charge and chucked them into an empty stable stall (I think it belonged to Dancer, but they were re-painting the names over the stalls at the time, so I could be wrong…) Then I was able to wrangle a St. Bernard (I’m awesome like that) and get him inside as well. Then I grabbed hold of a pug and was about to throw him into the stall when I realized it was down to only one chihuahua and one St. Bernard (Strange...all three of their collars were still there…) but I was pretty busy, rescuing dogs and all.
   In the end, the blizzard stopped, and most of the dogs returned - including Quarterpockets - to finish the event, with the exception of those three little chihuahuas. Too bad. For some reason Santa Claus told Dr. Treacletart to do a stomach ultrasound or x-ray on that St. Bernard. (Beats me. I’m new to the dog world.)
   Finally, when it was time to announce best of show, first they announced the third place winner: Bonfreckle Dillybar and her  Fiddlejig. Then - you won’t believe this - in second place, Mintchuckle Sweetcheeks and her toy poodle, Daisy! Then, drum roll please...Snicklefritz B. Miffletins III and his arctic fox, Quarterpockets! Woohoo! I was so excited I forgot all about the Elf Olympics tragedy. (Well, I guess I actually didn’t…) I was so happy!

   Mintchuckle was an absolute lady about getting second place to me - er - Quarterpockets. Sooo, I offered to take her out to eat as a consolation prize and she accepted!
   I took her to a little Swedish restaurant called Ookenflugen. We had some delicious smoked salmon crepes and lingonberry pie. It was a BIG success.
   Then this morning, I called up Mintchuckle (darn right I got her number) and we went out for some salted caramel hot chocolate at Starbucks (of course we have Starbucks here - they’re EVERYWHERE.) We talked for hours. Then I went to her family’s Christmas party and met her parents. They were very hospitable. We had a little elf Nativity scene and drank wassail. I just got home, actually. I don’t know guys, this has been a whirl wind weekend! I’m thinking I might just go by Kitzerbox Hoogler’s Jewelry and look at some rings. I’m not kidding! So, I got some thinking to do. 
   Four days until Christmas!
Until next time,
Fritz


Outstanding Elf and Frozen Review

   Well, I had the surprise of my life this morning - I got the Outstanding Elf Award at the Christmas briefing! I was so shocked! Santa Claus said that I received the prestigious award for saving the lives of two elves (the two green tic tacs, as I called them) and potentially hundreds of others from the abominable snowman a few days ago. They took my picture and gave me a trophy and my name and picture will be posted in the Great Hall of the Conference Center for the next week, but the best part was having lunch with the Santa, Mrs. Claus, and the other Outstanding Elves! There are only three of us this Christmas season, myself, Mintchuckle Sweetcheeks, and Pollywog Parsnip (who saved the North Pole's intranet from a very nasty virus).
   I spent the whole time talking with Miss Sweetcheeks, who has asked me to call her Mintchuckle. She told me that she was the one that nominated me! (Although, since nominations are anonymous, so I could have been nominated by others as well.) AND she gave me her number. Oh yeah.
   Mrs. Claus fixed us the most delicious lunch! (She's an excellent cook.) My favorite was the smoked salmon!

   I also need to review the movie I saw last night with my niece and nephew - Frozen. It was excellent! Really great movie. I would have to give it a Christmas Tree, though, because I thought the songs were L-A-M-E.
   I cannot believe how much the castle looks like Santa Claus's mansion - right down to the Scandinavian motifs on the doors and pillars. And Sven, the reindeer, bears a striking resemblance to Vixen - and they both have a V in their name! Coincidence?! I think not.
   I have a sneaking suspicion that's why Disney sent representatives to the North Pole five years ago. I remember seeing dozens of artists doing sketches around the mansion at the time...
   Anyway, what a great day it's been so far! Tomorrow's the dog show! Wish Quarterpockets luck!
TTFN,
Fritz

Icicles Bursting with Fruit Flavors and Cocoa Puffs

  Once again we had a disaster with a silver lining. The Candy Department is on the third floor of the factory and some time last night, while everyone was asleep, 3 huge vats of colored, fruit-flavored liquid sugar burst, blew out the window, and ran down the roof of the factory. Of course, this was a gigantic mess to clean up, but the bright side is, it created a number of beautiful, delicious icicles that we broke off the gutters and ate. (Hygiene Schmygiene)
   The colored liquids were yellow, red, and blue, so in addition to those primary colors, the mixing produced several different shades of orange, purple, and green. It was an amazing sight!
    Tonight, I'm taking my niece and nephew, Sugarplum and Hooverschniz, to see the movie Frozen!

   I promised them that if they got straight stars on their report cards, I would take them to go see it. For those of you who don't know, Star = A, Christmas Tree = B, Candy Cane = C, Fruitcake = D, Reindeer Dropping = F. Speaking of reindeer droppings, last week when I went to visit them, their 2 year-old brother, Nogginbrooks, brought in a whole handful of what he called "cocoa puffs" that he found out in the snow. I can guarantee you, those are NOT part of a complete breakfast. (yuck)

  

Anyway, I'm really excited about seeing this movie. Not going to lie.
Take care,
Fritz
  

Diversity Training Video, Reindeer Rave, and Dog Show

   So I was right. We all had to go to mandatory diversity training today because Rudolph got teased. (It isn't enough that he has a whole song about himself, and a bronze statue in Mistletoe Park...) Side note: why don't reindeer just fight it out like they did in the old days? Enough with these "reindeer games" - how about some reindeer Hunger Games? ("Oh, you think you're funny - laughing and calling me names, huh? Well, it's payback time!")
   The training included a video that features an elf that is being teased because he has a big nose. Other elves are laughing and calling him Toucan Sam (I don't think it's a stretch to say that this video is basically all about Rudolph and the nosism that he has had to endure for the past few decades).  Then this claymation Snowman walks in and sings a song about how we're all different and how we should try harder to appreciate the things that make us different.

     That was one hour of my life that I'll never get back...Like I said, if everyone was just nice to each other, then we wouldn't have to deal with all this bologna. On the flip side, Rudolph is the only reindeer with a glowing nose, so I can't say I know what it's like to be so different. Perhaps I should be more understanding...
    Oh! So, I think everyone knows that Rudolph's nose glows red whenever he wants it to, but it also glows red whenever he's embarrassed - kind of like elves and humans when we get embarrassed. Poor guy. He used to get teased big time as a little reindeer calf, which only made things worse because that little lightbulb of a nose would just get redder and redder and brighter and brighter. Of course, everything changed on that one foggy Christmas Eve, but I really think he could use it to his advantage at other non-foggy times. Maybe if he could get it to blink like a strobe light, he could throw his own raves. "The Reindeer Rave: Rudolph Nose Best." Clever, huh? I'm here all night folks...
    In other news, I have Quarterpockets registered for he dog show on Friday. I'm feeling pretty good about it! I noticed Miss Sweetcheeks's dog, Daisy, is also on the list of contestants! Perhaps I'll see her there! I need to remember to take Quarterpockets to the groomer tomorrow...
    I can't believe that Christmas Eve is a week away! We are barely on schedule. I may need to put in some overtime this weekend. We'll see.
    Tootles,
     Fritz
   

Sub-Zero Pizza and Diversity Training

   Today was the meeting with Santa Claus about his new pizza parlor. He wants to call it Sub-Zero Pizza. I think it's a great name! As I've mentioned, my main part in this endeavor is the animatronic band. At first he was thinking cute little polar animals, but after the recent yeti attack, he's thinking of having an abominable snowman band called "The Abominables." Similar to other pizza joint animatronic bands, but with more edge.

   I am excited! We have such a pitiful selection of eateries here at the North Pole - mostly Scandinavian. I think Santa was inspired by a recent trip to New York. Here's a picture he showed me from Lombardi's Pizza - the oldest pizzeria in New York City. Yum. Makes me hungry...

    During our meeting, we heard a knock on our door. "Who is it?" Santa asked. "It's Rudolph." Santa rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Come in, " he said. Then Rudolph sauntered in and reported that he had received some hate speech in the stables this afternoon. "And what was that?" Santa asked.
    Apparently, Dancer and Prancer were singing, "Ruuuudolph! You don't have to put on the red light!" Rudolph found this very offense, for obvious reasons. "I'm sorry, Rudolph. That was completely insensitive and not conducive to a team atmosphere and will not be tolerated," Santa said in what sounded like a rehearsed speech. Rudolph nodded and, with some difficulty, opened the door with his antlers and left. Then Santa whispered to me, "I am mandated to say that."
   See, after the original incident when Rudolph became the lead reindeer, the teasing apparently didn't stop and Santa had to institute diversity training and policies to keep things fair within the reindeer herd. Some of the reindeer just will not comply - even after all these years and lawsuits. I have the sneaking suspicion that everyone will have to attend a special diversity training session very soon. Things would be so much easier if people would just be nice to each other! Sheesh!
   Well, we decided to start the bulk of the work just after Christmas. If I have spare time, I'll draw up some basic designs beforehand, but Santa doesn't want me to get distracted. I'm really excited, though! I don't know if I can wait! And I can't wait to get some pizza up here. The last time I had pizza was when Santa brought some home early Christmas morning after doing his deliveries. Apparently some kid left pizza out for him instead of cookies. It was cold and rock hard, but after some warming up by the fire, it tasted pretty good. I bet you humans eat it all the time down there in the subarctic.
   Well, that's all for now. 9 days until the big day! Make sure you're on the nice list!
Peace out,
Fritz

Elf Church Choir

   We had a great day at church today. I sing in the choir and we are working on some great numbers, including "Silent Night," "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing", and "The First Noel." It is really sounding good! I like to listen to human music, too. I like Whitney Houston (rest her soul), Adele, Nik Kershaw, and KC and the Sunshine Band. Oh! And Sufjan Stevens - he has a great Christmas album! Humans sing so low, though. There is one band, though, that I think sounds pretty similar to the way elves sing - Alvin and the Chipmunks. Have you heard of them? They are really good. Just imagine the Chipmunks singing "The First Noel" and you will get an idea of what elves sound like when they sing.

   After church, we went and visited our Grandma. She is feeling a little better these days. We played some Boggle and Pit and drank peppermint hot chocolate. Good times.
    Tomorrow I have a meeting with Santa Claus again about his pizza parlor idea. Kind of excited about that. 
    10 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!! Can you believe it?!!
Cheers!
Fritz
   

Peppermint Peak and Miss Sweetcheeks.

   Hello, again. Sorry for taking so long to write today. I have been so busy - and it's my day off! Today, Quarterpockets and I went on a hike up to the top of Peppermint Peak, the tallest mountain on North Pole Island. The weather was clear and sunny, but obviously still very cold! Especially at that elevation. Zoiks!
   From the top of the mountain we could see the ski lodge, the factory, the hospital, Santa's mansion, and all the little elf neighborhoods all around. With everything looking do tiny, I felt kind of big, for once!
   We made sure to keep on the lookout for any abominable snowmen. Man, Quarterpockets would get chomped like a little white chiclet! We didn't see any, though.
    On the way down, guess who we ran into? Miss Sweetcheeks herself. She was walking her little white poodle, Daisy. She told me that she heard all about my run-in with the yeti and how I saved the two elves he was trying to shake out of their car, like two little green tic-tacs. (I'm making a lot of candy analogies today. Odd.) My cheeks were rosier than usual, let's just say that.
    After we reached the base of the mountain, I walked her back home. She lives in a big house with three roommates on Egg Nog Ave. It was decked with the most beautiful multi-colored Christmas lights. Very impressive.
     What a swell day. Hope you are all having a wonderful Christmas season!
All the best,
Fritz

Friday the 13th

   Friday, the 13th. Thus far, the day has lived up to its reputation of being UNLUCKY.
   Early this morning, I went into the lab in the R&D department to check on how Miss Treesparkle was doing on her first day of work. She was busy sketching at the drawing board and I walked over to speak to her when all of the sudden I heard the most horrendous noise and felt a warm liquid hit me square in the back like someone had just hit me with a  water balloon.
   Someone behind me yelled, "Sorry, Mr. Miffletins!" It was  Sylvester Poodleflatch. He was working on a new doll, "Baby Upset Tummy." It happened to be chocolate milk, which was easy enough to clean up, but then Baby Upset Tummy started making weird electronic noises and she started saying, "My tummy hurts," over and over and over again, each time getting incrementally higher in pitch and volume. That was freaky enough, but then her head started spinning, and, well, have you ever seen one of those rotating sprinkler heads? Yeah. Chocolate milk ALL OVER THE OFFICE. So many blueprints were ruined....Ugh. Mr. Poodleflatch was very apologetic, but I tell ya - that was not the best start to the day!
  Since I didn't have an extra uniform lying around, I went out to my car to head back home to change (it is NOT fun to walk outside up here in wet clothes - even a little wet!) when I saw that my little mini Smart Car was in the fist of an enraged abominable snowman. What next? I thought. So, I got out my cell phone to call animal control when I saw the beast pick up another car - this one had two elves inside! He started shaking it like a maraca - I guess he was expecting them to fall out somewhere. So I hurried and told animal control what was going on and they said that they would send help ASAP.
   I was obviously ill-equipped, so I just used myself as a decoy and started throwing snowballs at him. He dropped both cars and started running toward me.

(Here's a close-up shot I was able to get after I pelted him a few times in the face. Maybe that was a little reckless, but - you need to know what kind of danger I was in!)
   I started running as fast as I could. Then I noticed another elf carrying some snow skis approaching me (obviously oblivious to the crisis). Then I had a flash of brilliance. I ripped the skis out of his hands and he ran in the opposite direction. The yeti, however, had a score to settle, and was still hot on my trail. I ran for the west gate toward the coast where I "vandalized" the iceberg. Once I saw that we were out of the gate, I quickly strapped on my skis and jetted down the hill toward the cliff with the iceberg in sight.
   All that skijumping practice really helped, because I was able to race down the hill to the edge of the cliff and coast through the air - clearing the gap between the cliff and the giant iceberg, floating off shore. It was glorious! I landed on the iceberg with the greatest of ease. I turned just in time to see the yeti trip, tumble, and roll down the hill. As he did so, he became a giant snow ball himself and rolled right off the cliff and into the sea! (And I thought I was cold and wet!)
   It took another ten minutes before Animal Control arrived. All they did was briefly look for the abominable snowman, but he was long gone. Then it took another 45 minutes before I could get rescued from the iceberg. Yeesh. That threw my whole day's schedule off - and I was still cold and wet from that chocolate milk!
   As for the elves in the car-maraca, they were okay. They saw Dr. Picklejinx at the ER and were cleared to go home with some minor bumps and bruises.
   Well, I took the rest of the day off for "mental wellness" and am now sitting in front of the fire place in my easy chair with my laptop on the top of my lap...obviously... I'm sipping some Cup O' Noodles and just going to relax today. No more bad luck for me.
   Later, skaters.
    Fritz

Mr. Firebreath, Big Red, and Quarterpocket's Tricks

   Interviews yesterday went very well, and after some consideration, we decided to hire Angelica Treesparkle for our R&D department. She was educated at Princeton and speaks Swedish, plays the harp, and volunteers at North Pole General in Labor and Delivery a few hours a week.
   As part of the interview process, we have each applicant bring a portfolio of projects they've worked on in the past and encourage them to bring in any new and original toy designs and/or prototypes they may have created. Miss Treesparkle showed me and my team an awesome new toy called "Mr. Firebreath." It's this cool dragon toy that shoots fire out of his mouth like a flame thrower. I nearly burned down my office when I first tried it! My curtains were torched, but I can get new ones tomorrow, probably. We took it out to an ice berg floating just off the coast near factory's west gate and I melted my initials into it. (Well, someone has to melt the icecaps! Al Gore is going to be so disappointed otherwise...)
   Needless to say, I was really impressed. However, when I showed the toy to the safety people, they were not too happy. Ugh. They said "absolutely not". They always ruin everything! Every time we come out with a cool new toy they full-on reject it. Man, toys are so BORING these days! If you can find the video, I recommend taking a look at the old commercial for the last awesome toy I invented that got pulled - but only after it made it into kids' homes. It was called Big Red. It was a viking doll that shot streams of red fluid out of its head like a sprinkler. Kids loved it! Boring parents and other stick-in-the-mud adults did not.
   In other news, my cousin Toffeebells told me that actually, Mintchuckle Sweetcheeks hadn't seen my blog at all! She's been really busy with the baking schedule and her endorsements and really didn't give it a thought. I guess that's a good thing and a bad thing. Oh well. I saw her at the Christmas briefing. Guess who sat down right beside her? Mr. Bobkins Snifflebrook, my arch nemesis. Hope she likes the smell of dead fish...
  Quarterpockets is getting really good at playing dead. He even does this pathetic little cough before his body goes limp. And, when he shakes, I swear his little "ruff ruff" sounds like, "Pleased to meet you." He's going to take Best in Show, mark my words!
   Well, I have a busy rest of the day. Hope you are all being good!
Cheers!
Fritz
 

Janet Reno, Dog Show, and Interviews

    Greetings, English-speaking Christmas revelers of the world!
    Well, Santa got some bad news last night. He was not chosen as a contestant on "Dancing With the Stars." Instead, they chose Janet Reno. Sounds like they are going for something different this season - like an appeal to the geriatric viewing audience. "Shuffling With the Stars" or something. I don't know.
    Being that he was not in a good mood, I wasn't able to meet with him this morning about some ideas I have for his Pizza Parlor. I'm thinking a band of animatronic animals that play in a band: a polar bear, a reindeer, and arctic hare, and arctic fox, a yeti. Something like that.
    Speaking of arctic foxes, I took Quartpockets to see Dr. Treacletart again to finish off his shots, and I saw a poster for a Dog Show and I think I might enter him! It's going to be on Dec. 20th, so I will have to do some major prep work.
   After his appointment, we took a walk in the park. I'm kind of an amateur bird watcher, so here we see some Canada geese and some swans. Not sure why or how they ended up here. But that happens from time to time.

 Same goes for this blue jay.

   Well, I better go. I have two positions to fill in the research and development division. I have to interview 12 applicants. They all have engineering degrees, but they vary in experience. I'll let you know how that pans out.
     Tootles,
     Fritz

Reindeer Macarena, PETA, and Santa's Office

   Woe is me. I saw Mintchuckle at the cafeteria yesterday and she totally avoided making eye contact with me. I really botched things big time. How do I fix this? Any suggestions, ladies?
    Sorry, I'm sure you're not reading this blog to hear about my personal drama.
    In other news, the Donner Party was a smashing success. We had a huge turnout and everyone loved the food - especially the Panang curry bowls. At one point, we had a flashback to the mid '90s when all the reindeer got up and did the Macarena. Since they can't stand on their hind legs, it was kind of stiff and awkward. Kind of like Al Gore's version. Still a lot of fun, though.
    Of course, as they do every year, PETA showed up at the doors of the Elf Conference Center to protest the "exploitation of reindeer" as they put it. Actually, the reindeer find it kind of insulting because they are not brainless beasts of burden (you like that alliteration there?) I mean, for heaven's sake, they can laugh, play reindeer games, shout out with glee - these are not things that normal reindeer can do. We're talking about North Pole Reindeer  - with personalities and feelings and (hello) have the ability to FLY! Do you think they would stick around if they didn't like the gig? No. They would probably work in show business - maybe have their own late night talk shows. (Speaking of which, Donner and Blitzen have an excellent comedy routine and usually do a Santa Claus roast at our annual Christmas party.)
    Anyhoo, a few of the guests started getting annoyed by all the shouting down below (the Great Ballroom is on the 14th floor) so the twins, Comet and Cupid, got an idea of how to get rid of them. They hoisted a huge bowl of poinsettia-pomegranate punch with their antlers and dumped it out the window onto the protestors below. What they didn't anticipate was that the 70 below weather turned the punch into icicle projectiles. Ouchee. Needless to say, the shouting stopped (although there was some screaming for a little while there...) and the protest ended.
    After the party, Santa Claus invited me to his personal office (which is the first time I've ever been there!) to get my input on some animatronic show he wants to put up at a Pizza Restaurant he's considering opening here on the North Pole. As we talked about the logistics of that, I looked around the room at all his souvenirs and things. He actually displays a lot of the letters he got from children that ended up being famous, like the letter he got from Elvis Presley that had a little crayon picture of a guitar on it, or the letter from Michael Jordan asking for a basketball. There was also a letter from Kate Moss with a stick figure self-portrait - at least, that's what I thought initially. On closer inspection, it was actually a recent photograph. Yikes.
    It was exciting talking to the big man himself - in his office - about this new Pizza Parlor project (look at me busting out the alliteration again!) Heaven knows we need something more to eat around here besides gingerbread and fruit cake.
    Well, that wraps it up for today (a little Christmas pun there for ya). Only 15 days until Christmas!
Cheers!
Fritz

Mintchuckle's Endorsement Gigs and the Donner Party

   As promised, I did some research and found some info on endorsement contracts for Mintchuckle Sweetcheeks. My cousin, Toffeebells, was more than willing to help me out and asked Miss Sweetcheeks if she would be willing to do an interview with me for my blog. She agreed and gave me a call just ten minutes ago! She sounded really sweet over the phone. I tried to make the phone call last as long as I could...
   Well, anyhoo, the rumors are all true! In addition to North Pole Athletic Club, Lululemon Athletica, and LittlePeopleMeet.com, she has also reached an agreement to be one of the featured athletes for Elfade, the sports drink, and will be featured on the upcoming Weeties box! (Obviously these two brands are mainly marketed toward elves and other wee people.)
      
          

    In other news, it's Donner's birthday today (you know, he's one of Santa's reindeer). Everyone loves Donner. He's a real swell guy. He has sooooo many friends, that basically the entire North Pole gathers at the Great Ballroom at the Elf Conference Center to celebrate. It basically rivals our Christmas Party in preparation and extravagance.
   Here's a recent pic of Donner...

   This year, for the Donner Party (as we like to call it) I volunteered to help with planning the menu. I contacted a famous chef in California, Martin Johnston, last month and told him I needed ideas for a Donner Party menu and he told me I was sick and hung up the phone. I tried three other American chefs and got the same response. Finally, I got ahold of one in New York who said, "How about finger sandwiches?" I was like, "What? And you're supposed to be some big-time chef?! Forget it!" I didn't say that, I just thought it. I told him I appreciated his recommendation. Sheesh. How weird is that, right? Anyway, I called up the British chef Gordon Ramsay about my Donner Party menu, and he was actually very kind and accommodating, for the busy celebrity chef that he is. So, we are having poinsettia-pomegranate punch, reindeer-shaped shortbread cookies, smoked salmon and brie skewers, and Panang Curry bowls. Yum. He's going to love it!
   Oh...no...I just realized that now Mintchuckle Sweetcheeks knows who I am and has most likely read everything I said about her on this and previous blogs!!! What a dolt I am!! Man, I have horrible game... Oh well...as they say, "don't cry over spilled egg nog".

Sunday at the North Pole, Grandma Miffletins, and Elf Endorsements

   It's Sunday at the North Pole, which means we all get the day off and go to church, where we are reminded about what Christmas really means. Today's service was very special, because my whole family was together, even Jingletoots.
   After church, our family took a walk over to my grandmother's house. She's 388 years old and is too sick to get out of the house these days. She was very glad to see us and we all enjoyed some hot chocolate, gingerbread cookies, caroling, and sharing family stories.
   My grandmother (whose name I forgot to mention: Tinselberry Miffletins, nee Snowbread) lives very close to the Clauses' mansion on Poinsettia Place. Actually, she and Mrs. Claus are pretty close friends. They play Boggle together every Tuesday and once in a while will travel to New York or London or Paris or Tokyo for a weekend trip to see the sights and occasionally get some Botox.
   My grandmother loves New York the best - especially taking the walk down 5th Ave. and looking at all the amazing window displays. Here's a few pictures from their NYC Christmas getaway trip a few years ago when they stayed at the Plaza hotel.
   This first one is very interesting. It's an Alice in Wonderland theme in a storefront window on 5th Ave. You are looking directly into the window, but it looks like you are looking down from above!!

 This is the Saks Fifth Avenue display: Music and blinking snowflakes...

 And, of course, the tree at Rockefeller Center.

    Oh! I did get another question from a reader, Jamie, also from Sandy, UT. (Looks like I have a good following there in our lovely Deseret!) Her question is:
     Is Miss Sweetcheeks likely to be accepting offers to promote different elf athletic companies or fast food chains?
     I will have to find this out from the source herself (which is kind of scary because I am REALLY nervous to talk to her - especially now that she's even more popular than she was the day she rescued Mr. Wubblegump) BUT, rumor has it that not only has North Pole Athletic Club (obviously local) been in contact with her, but also Lululemon Athletica and LittlePeopleMeet.com have both sent representatives to the North Pole to begin negotiations for endorsement contracts. Pretty exciting! I will really have to pluck up the courage to go talk to her and verify this scuttlebutt (that is a real word, for the record). I'll try to do that tomorrow. I have a female cousin, Toffeebells Garland, who works in the bakery and may be able to ask her for an interview on my behalf. So, I'll get back to you!

Wish me luck,
 Fritz

  

  

Elf Olympics and Questions from Carl

    Hello again, friends. It’s time for another fascinating glimpse at North Pole Life, with yours truly, Snicklefritz B. Miffletins III.
    About yesterday. Sigh. I took 5th in Skijumping (so no medal) and got the bronze in Snowboarding. I don’t want to talk about it. I was severely disappointed. The chocolate medal I got was pretty good though. That was the one consolation.
    Miss Mintchuckle Sweetcheeks, however, got the gold in Figure Skating. I was so proud to stand during the North Pole Anthem (otherwise known as “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”), watching my fellow North Polock receive the gold medal. It brought tears to my eyes and sniffles to my nose. Of course, the North Pole Anthem is the only anthem that they play at the Elf Olympics...over and over and over again...but still, it gets me right here (I’m pointing to my heart right now.)
    Now I’m going to change things up a bit by addressing some very smart and interesting questions posed by Carl from Sandy, UT (sounds like a desert. Is it?) Here goes:

1) Tell us about the North Pole scandal of 1969
    Which scandal are you referring to? The Naughty Parents Scandal of 1969 or the time that Bobkins Snifflebrook stole my idea for Dancerina, the ballerina that I actually invented? I’m guessing the former.
    Well, here’s a brief synopsis. Basically, a group of parents in Saskatchewan, Canada were mailing in fraudulent Christmas wish lists, asking for things like Plymouth Barracudas, bell-bottoms, portable shortwave radios, and brogue shoes. They were also putting up extra stockings for Santa Claus to fill on Christmas morning - as if they had more children than they actually did (or didn't, as it were).
    This wasn’t the first time in history that naughty parents have tried to con old Kris Kringle, however, this time some elves were in on it too. See, the sad reality is, even some elves are naughty! (But they don’t stay employed very long!) Sooo, this group was marking their letters “Attention Willetta Seasonfreeze” or “Attention Porkrumple Evergreen” or some other infamous elf’s name, and said elf would make sure the items got on the general list AND that the fake children’s names were added to the nice list, so that these adults could get what they wanted, as much as they wanted. Yes, it was quite the scandal.
    Long story short (er, shorter, at least) Santa found out and some security measures were put in place to make sure that only nice little existent children get presents. The elves involved were fired. Many of them started working at carnivals or circus acts. A few of them ended up in films. Remember Burglekutt in the movie Willow? Yeah. His real name is Mardwiskers Northunder, but he changed it to Mark Northover after the scandal. His reputation as an elf was shot, which meant he could only really go into acting or politics, which I guess are actually the same field.
    As for Bobkins Snifflebrook, he got away with it. But don’t you worry. On the anniversary of the Dancerina debut, a dead fish “mysteriously” appears in his desk, locker, car, or anywhere else I can hide it.


2) Is it true that the elves forced the Eskimos out of their land and took control of the area because elves are more civilized than elves?
    From the context, I assume you mean to say “because elves are more civilized than Eskimos”, am I correct? If so, you seriously need to get some diversity training, number one. Number two (I heard you giggle just now - this is serious!) “Eskimo” is a derisive term! We know them as “Indigenous Circumpolar People” or “Circumpolar Humans.” We certainly did NOT force them off their land. (Is that what they teach in Common Core?!) North Pole Island was uninhabited by humans when St. Nick arrived in  the year 343 AD. However, there was a community of elves that existed there since the dawn of time that he eventually hired to help him make toys, etc. and, as they say, the rest is history.

3) Do elves believe in a Santa Claus like humans? Do they [h]ave a separate Santa than we do?
    This question presupposes that Santa is a mythological figure and his existence can therefore be duplicated, irrespective of blatant incongruities of nature and function. (No, elves don’t have a separate Santa Claus! He’s not James Bond, for heaven’s sake.)


4) What is the succession plan for Santa, when he passes on?
    Santa Claus was born in the year 270 AD and he still hasn’t died. There are no current plans for a successor because we all believe that he is going to live forever. And, no, the reason he lives for ever isn’t because he drinks blood! So please don’t ask!
    
   
    Well, that sounded kind of harsh. I’m sure Carl is a great guy who doesn’t mean any harm. I guess I’m still upset about my performance at the Elf Olympics. (Better luck next year!) Merry Christmas, Carl!



TTYL,
Fritz

Killer Whale, Santa Reps, and Quarterpockets

    Today is the big day: the Elf Olympics! I have my two events this afternoon, so I will fill you in tomorrow as to how things went. I’m glad I didn’t compete this morning, because I was able to pick up my sis, Jingletoots, at the airport AND see Miss Sweetcheeks compete in female figure skating. Wow. She was fantastic! Unfortunately, we don’t know how she placed in the event because not every competitor got the chance to skate today. You see, during the performance of another female, Rozlepuff Mistletoe, a huge killer whale broke through the ice and started thrashing around. The whole arena freaked out and evacuated. (I don’t know why - seems like this happens every year. They really should consider using an indoor arena with “artificial” ice.) They hope to get things back to normal by this evening and continue the competition then.
    Things are going very well in the doll division. We are at least a week ahead of production schedule! Requests pour in daily from different Santa reps around the world - you know, the guys that dress up and represent Santa at different Christmas parties and department store photo shoots. I might get in trouble for telling you this, but basically, these guys don’t have to remember a thing you tell them. They just ask you what you want, and a little blue tooth device picks up the request and it pops up on our computer system in real time.
    The information is then analyzed and a board reviews it to make sure we can comply with the requests due to safety or general practicality. (No kid is going to get a tank for Christmas - I’m sorry!) And sometimes requests are denied based on parent requests, such as a kid who wants a pony for Christmas, and Mom and Dad can’t afford to buy it hay for the rest of its life or lack the space necessary for such a big animal. So, we have to run the data bases and make sure everything jives.
    After approval is granted, the requests are sent off to their specific divisions. If you’re asking for a Barbie, a teddy bear, a Monster High doll, or a Big Hugs Elmo (barf), your request will get sent to my department. It is then added to the production list of a specific team, and the toy-making process begins. The system has been in place for such a long time, everything usually works out just fine.
    There are still the occasional mishap, however. Sometimes the requests have to be revised, as kids are prone to change their minds. Sometimes, though, the revision doesn’t happen in time. Sometimes the blue tooth device doesn’t pick up the child’s request exactly right and a girl that asks for a “fairy princess dress” gets a “bucket of horse manure.” (You gotta wonder - was that really an accident?) Sometimes there’s a glitch in the parent/child request interface system and a kid ends up with a rocket-propelled grenade. And sometimes Santa Claus gets sued for giving a kid a rocket-propelled grenade. (Yes, lawyers rule the world, children, and we’re all terrified of them. Even St. Nick.) So, for all our sakes, kids, make a practical Christmas wish list and stick to it!
    I got a little collar with a tag for my little arctic fox, Quarterpockets. He looks good. I’m training him with little doggie treats I bought at Candy and Cain’s Grocery. He really likes them and he’s learning really fast! He can roll over, play dead, and shake. He’s pretty awesome, I’m not gonna lie. But, then again, he’s got an excellent trainer. (Ha!)
    19 days, folks! We broke the 20 day mark!
Yours,
Fritz

Happy Birthday, Doughball Fight, Gangnam Style, and the Outstanding Elf

            Hello again, Readers!
            First of all, before I say anything else, let me give a shout out to a faithful reader named Emily Bowers, who left the first comment ever on this blog! Thanks, Emily, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Let me give you an update on yesterday’s events. First off, remember the gingerbread disaster? Well, the batch of gingerbread dough that Peppersniff Wubblegump contaminated was about to be thrown away when the head baker, Cookie Bingblossom, decided to dump it out on the elf recreational field and have a gingerbread dough food fight. Instead of snowballs, all the elves that came to the event balled up gingerbread dough and let it fly!

Some of us made gingerbread dough “snowmen”. The funnest part was eating the gingerbread men! (Which kind of defeated the purpose, but…whatever.) I had a flashback to “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” – Kalima! Kalimaaa!  (Twisted. I know.)

Everything was going great until the dough got hard. (That’s what happens in 4°F (or -16°C) weather.) So, unfortunately, the “doughball” fight took a terrible turn for the worse and we had to call it quits. (It’s all fun and games until someone gets hit in the face with a frozen ball of gingerbread dough.)

I had to take one of my buddies to North Pole General Hospital ER and he ended up getting four stitches in the back of his head, courtesy of Dr. Picklejinx.  I myself went home with a black eye, which I treated with a big frozen reindeer steak (they’re not all for Santa’s sleigh – hate to break it to you).

In other news, the one suggested name for the fox that I got was “Trudy”, but after some research into human names I discovered that “Trudy” is most commonly a girl’s name! I don’t want to give my little guy a complex…So, I gave him a very common human boy’s name: Quarterpockets. I think it fits him pretty well.

This morning, at our weekly Christmas briefing, Santa Claus came out in dark sunglasses to the song Gangnam Style and proceeded to do the signature dance move center stage for about five minutes – and that is a VERY long time when you are doing ONE dance move. Urgle…You know those times where even though you’re not the one everyone’s staring at, you still feel embarrassed? Yeah…case in point. That song is so 2012! Anyway, he received, of course, a courtesy standing ovation (seems like an oxy moron…) and morale was officially boosted for the meeting that proceeded.

At the meeting, Mintchuckle Sweetcheeks was given the Outstanding Elf award (which is given out at the beginning of all the Christmas briefings, but I have yet to get one!) for saving Mr. Wubblegump.  (I have got to get that girl’s number!)

Finally, today is my last day of practice before the big day. Zoiks! Tomorrow is the Elf Olympics and, as you know, I will be competing in Snowboarding and Skijumping. I have a good feeling about tomorrow! Here’s a picture from the most dangerous ski slope at the resort. Yeah. I did that.

My sister, Jingletoots, is flying in from San Francisco (not all elves live at the North Pole, you know) and will be cheering me on with the rest of my family.

Well, again, thanks for reading. Only 20 days until Christmas! Make sure you stay on the Nice List! You can do it!

Cheers!

Fritz

Gingerbread Disaster and an Arctic Fox

Dec. 4, 2013

Well, yesterday was a complete fiasco. The whole candy division was shut down for five hours. FIVE. That really hurt production - big time. What happened was, this one elf, Peppersniff Wubblegump, who previously worked in the reindeer stables and is new to the bakery, fell into a HUGE vat of gingerbread dough.  Everyone was frantic trying to get him out before the mechanized vat tipped over and plopped a big pile of dough onto the conveyer belt, headed for the roller (kind of like a giant rolling pin that flattens the dough). Right after the roller is the giant cookie cutter that cuts thousands of little gingerbread men and then comes the oven that (obviously) bakes them. So, you can see what all the fuss was about. I can just imagine sorting through aaaaaaaaall those cookies looking for Mr. Wubblegump…
            Anyhoo, right before the giant vat raised and tipped out the dough, Mintchuckle Sweetcheeks (a really cute blonde who lives down the street from me) tossed him a safety rope and pulled him out. That was a close one.

Typically, I’m in my office in the doll division during that time, but I had to settle a time-card dispute with Elf Resources, and the office is right next door to the bakery, which is part of the candy division. (So complicated, I know.)

What a mad house that place was. Yeesh. The paramedics came and checked on him and he was fine, but then OSHA showed up and had to do some big investigation and blah blah blah. I’m sure we’ll have to get some more safety training within the next couple weeks just because some elf decided to take a swim in the gingerbread dough. (Haha! Not really, poor guy...)

In other news, last night, after I had finished practicing my ski jumps, taken off my skis, and was about to put on my elf stockings, I noticed a little white ball of fur in one of my snow boots. To my surprise, it was a baby arctic fox! I tried to find out if it was lost, so I could help it find its mom or something, but I don’t know any words in fox-language. I mean, what does the fox say?

Anyway, after looking around for his mother, I decided to keep him for now – and it is a him, I checked with Dr. Treacletart, the vet. I’m still trying to think of a good name for the little guy. (Not Dr. Treacletart - the fox. Dr. Treacletart already has a name.) Let me know if you have any suggestions!

Laters,

Fritz

Northern Lights, Dancing With the Stars, and the Naughty List

Dec. 3, 2014

Yesterday was an awesome day to be out on the snow. Sugar Slopes was packed with elves practicing for the Elf Olympics on Friday. I am getting kind of nervous, I tell you what!

Last night, after practice, I sat in the hot tub on the front porch of Sugar Slopes Lodge and watched the Northern Lights as I sipped hot chocolate. It was amazing! Have you ever seen the Northern Lights? You should google some pictures, if you get the chance. It’s awesome.

Santa Claus is busy working with an agent to see if he can get on that American TV show, “Dancing With the Stars.” Apparently, he’s up against Dog the Bounty Hunter and Michael Moore. Incidentally, he was mistaken for Mr. Moore when he was down in New York City for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in 2009, which was kind of insulting. Here’s a picture from 2009 taken at an airport in Las Vegas on Christmas Eve. I don’t think he looks like Michael Moore at all, do you?

 

Anyway, I think it’s a waste of time, plus, Santa’s not a very good dancer. He’s so nice, though. I don’t have the heart to tell him there’s no possible way he can win. Oh well.

Reports are coming in daily about the good and bad behavior of children around the world. We have a huge digitalized list of children behind the stage at the North Pole Conference Center. The names flicker like those little white Christmas lights you see on people’s houses with names bouncing from one list to the other by the second. Probably shouldn’t mention this, but Miley Cyrus topped the naughty list for years until her birthday last month when she turned 21 (the official North Pole age of adulthood).

Speaking of which, the naughty side is really long this year, unfortunately. Yikes! I hope that changes soon! One of the big things that the elf agents are reporting is sharing, or rather, NOT sharing. Little kids love the toys Santa brings, but they don’t like sharing them. What the junk? Being selfish with your toys is NAUGHTY! So start sharing so you can get back on the nice list! (You know who you are...)

Of course, they also report that a lot of children are being nice by offering to help Mom and Dad with chores around the house. That is really nice! Keep up the good work!

Tata for now,

Fritz

P.S. Remember, if you have any questions about life up at the North Pole or anything else, feel free to write me!

Occupy North Pole, Polar Bears, and the Elf Olympics

     We've had a lot of snow so far this year, which has made for some great snow skiing up at Sugar Slopes, the local ski resort. I usually spend my afternoons up there after I get off work. The workload has been picking up ever since mid-November, since Christmas is coming early this year. (Little joke there.) Santa is still pretty good about making sure morale is up, though,  and he makes sure we get enough recreational time. We just have to work extra hard in the mornings to get all our projects finished by the afternoon.
     Speaking of which, our morning has already been extra busy. You see, there were some Occupy North Pole protestors that showed up at the gates of the factory, making a scene. I thought that whole movement died out, but apparently not. (Every so often some enviro group shows up to protest, which always makes me wonder what fossil-fuel vehicle they used to get all the way up here...) They were getting a little out of control, and we were just about to call Elf Security (and I'm thinking, 'Really? What's a three foot tall elf going to do?') but luckily for us (but unluckily for them) the ONP protest correlated precisely with the annual polar bear migration. (Which reminds me, they always tell you not to eat yellow snow, but they never say anything about red snow, and trust me - it should be equally avoided.) At least the enviro groups always have the mind to avoid polar bear season. Oh well.
    In other news, I am looking forward to the Elf Olympics that are happening this Friday. Woot! I'm competing for gold in Snowboarding and Skijumping. (The gold medal is actually a chocolate medal in a gold wrapping, but still - it's a very prestigious award!) Unfortunately, I didn't make the Curling team this year, but that's okay. I'll just have to try again next year I guess.
    Well, children of the English-speaking world, I'd better get back to work so I can get some more practice in today. Make sure you don't end up on the naughty list! Our international elf agents are paying close attention to all of your activities and make their reports daily!
     Until next time,
     Fritz