About yesterday. Sigh. I took 5th in Skijumping (so no medal) and got the bronze in Snowboarding. I don’t want to talk about it. I was severely disappointed. The chocolate medal I got was pretty good though. That was the one consolation.
Miss Mintchuckle Sweetcheeks, however, got the gold in Figure Skating. I was so proud to stand during the North Pole Anthem (otherwise known as “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”), watching my fellow North Polock receive the gold medal. It brought tears to my eyes and sniffles to my nose. Of course, the North Pole Anthem is the only anthem that they play at the Elf Olympics...over and over and over again...but still, it gets me right here (I’m pointing to my heart right now.)
Now I’m going to change things up a bit by addressing some very smart and interesting questions posed by Carl from Sandy, UT (sounds like a desert. Is it?) Here goes:
1) Tell us about the North Pole scandal of 1969
Which scandal are you referring to? The Naughty Parents Scandal of 1969 or the time that Bobkins Snifflebrook stole my idea for Dancerina, the ballerina that I actually invented? I’m guessing the former.
Well, here’s a brief synopsis. Basically, a group of parents in Saskatchewan, Canada were mailing in fraudulent Christmas wish lists, asking for things like Plymouth Barracudas, bell-bottoms, portable shortwave radios, and brogue shoes. They were also putting up extra stockings for Santa Claus to fill on Christmas morning - as if they had more children than they actually did (or didn't, as it were).
This wasn’t the first time in history that naughty parents have tried to con old Kris Kringle, however, this time some elves were in on it too. See, the sad reality is, even some elves are naughty! (But they don’t stay employed very long!) Sooo, this group was marking their letters “Attention Willetta Seasonfreeze” or “Attention Porkrumple Evergreen” or some other infamous elf’s name, and said elf would make sure the items got on the general list AND that the fake children’s names were added to the nice list, so that these adults could get what they wanted, as much as they wanted. Yes, it was quite the scandal.
Long story short (er, shorter, at least) Santa found out and some security measures were put in place to make sure that only nice little existent children get presents. The elves involved were fired. Many of them started working at carnivals or circus acts. A few of them ended up in films. Remember Burglekutt in the movie Willow? Yeah. His real name is Mardwiskers Northunder, but he changed it to Mark Northover after the scandal. His reputation as an elf was shot, which meant he could only really go into acting or politics, which I guess are actually the same field.
As for Bobkins Snifflebrook, he got away with it. But don’t you worry. On the anniversary of the Dancerina debut, a dead fish “mysteriously” appears in his desk, locker, car, or anywhere else I can hide it.
2) Is it true that the elves forced the Eskimos out of their land and took control of the area because elves are more civilized than elves?
From the context, I assume you mean to say “because elves are more civilized than Eskimos”, am I correct? If so, you seriously need to get some diversity training, number one. Number two (I heard you giggle just now - this is serious!) “Eskimo” is a derisive term! We know them as “Indigenous Circumpolar People” or “Circumpolar Humans.” We certainly did NOT force them off their land. (Is that what they teach in Common Core?!) North Pole Island was uninhabited by humans when St. Nick arrived in the year 343 AD. However, there was a community of elves that existed there since the dawn of time that he eventually hired to help him make toys, etc. and, as they say, the rest is history.
3) Do elves believe in a Santa Claus like humans? Do they [h]ave a separate Santa than we do?
This question presupposes that Santa is a mythological figure and his existence can therefore be duplicated, irrespective of blatant incongruities of nature and function. (No, elves don’t have a separate Santa Claus! He’s not James Bond, for heaven’s sake.)
4) What is the succession plan for Santa, when he passes on?
Santa Claus was born in the year 270 AD and he still hasn’t died. There are no current plans for a successor because we all believe that he is going to live forever. And, no, the reason he lives for ever isn’t because he drinks blood! So please don’t ask!
Well, that sounded kind of harsh. I’m sure Carl is a great guy who doesn’t mean any harm. I guess I’m still upset about my performance at the Elf Olympics. (Better luck next year!) Merry Christmas, Carl!
TTYL,
Fritz
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