Sunday at the North Pole, Grandma Miffletins, and Elf Endorsements

   It's Sunday at the North Pole, which means we all get the day off and go to church, where we are reminded about what Christmas really means. Today's service was very special, because my whole family was together, even Jingletoots.
   After church, our family took a walk over to my grandmother's house. She's 388 years old and is too sick to get out of the house these days. She was very glad to see us and we all enjoyed some hot chocolate, gingerbread cookies, caroling, and sharing family stories.
   My grandmother (whose name I forgot to mention: Tinselberry Miffletins, nee Snowbread) lives very close to the Clauses' mansion on Poinsettia Place. Actually, she and Mrs. Claus are pretty close friends. They play Boggle together every Tuesday and once in a while will travel to New York or London or Paris or Tokyo for a weekend trip to see the sights and occasionally get some Botox.
   My grandmother loves New York the best - especially taking the walk down 5th Ave. and looking at all the amazing window displays. Here's a few pictures from their NYC Christmas getaway trip a few years ago when they stayed at the Plaza hotel.
   This first one is very interesting. It's an Alice in Wonderland theme in a storefront window on 5th Ave. You are looking directly into the window, but it looks like you are looking down from above!!

 This is the Saks Fifth Avenue display: Music and blinking snowflakes...

 And, of course, the tree at Rockefeller Center.

    Oh! I did get another question from a reader, Jamie, also from Sandy, UT. (Looks like I have a good following there in our lovely Deseret!) Her question is:
     Is Miss Sweetcheeks likely to be accepting offers to promote different elf athletic companies or fast food chains?
     I will have to find this out from the source herself (which is kind of scary because I am REALLY nervous to talk to her - especially now that she's even more popular than she was the day she rescued Mr. Wubblegump) BUT, rumor has it that not only has North Pole Athletic Club (obviously local) been in contact with her, but also Lululemon Athletica and LittlePeopleMeet.com have both sent representatives to the North Pole to begin negotiations for endorsement contracts. Pretty exciting! I will really have to pluck up the courage to go talk to her and verify this scuttlebutt (that is a real word, for the record). I'll try to do that tomorrow. I have a female cousin, Toffeebells Garland, who works in the bakery and may be able to ask her for an interview on my behalf. So, I'll get back to you!

Wish me luck,
 Fritz

  

  

Elf Olympics and Questions from Carl

    Hello again, friends. It’s time for another fascinating glimpse at North Pole Life, with yours truly, Snicklefritz B. Miffletins III.
    About yesterday. Sigh. I took 5th in Skijumping (so no medal) and got the bronze in Snowboarding. I don’t want to talk about it. I was severely disappointed. The chocolate medal I got was pretty good though. That was the one consolation.
    Miss Mintchuckle Sweetcheeks, however, got the gold in Figure Skating. I was so proud to stand during the North Pole Anthem (otherwise known as “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”), watching my fellow North Polock receive the gold medal. It brought tears to my eyes and sniffles to my nose. Of course, the North Pole Anthem is the only anthem that they play at the Elf Olympics...over and over and over again...but still, it gets me right here (I’m pointing to my heart right now.)
    Now I’m going to change things up a bit by addressing some very smart and interesting questions posed by Carl from Sandy, UT (sounds like a desert. Is it?) Here goes:

1) Tell us about the North Pole scandal of 1969
    Which scandal are you referring to? The Naughty Parents Scandal of 1969 or the time that Bobkins Snifflebrook stole my idea for Dancerina, the ballerina that I actually invented? I’m guessing the former.
    Well, here’s a brief synopsis. Basically, a group of parents in Saskatchewan, Canada were mailing in fraudulent Christmas wish lists, asking for things like Plymouth Barracudas, bell-bottoms, portable shortwave radios, and brogue shoes. They were also putting up extra stockings for Santa Claus to fill on Christmas morning - as if they had more children than they actually did (or didn't, as it were).
    This wasn’t the first time in history that naughty parents have tried to con old Kris Kringle, however, this time some elves were in on it too. See, the sad reality is, even some elves are naughty! (But they don’t stay employed very long!) Sooo, this group was marking their letters “Attention Willetta Seasonfreeze” or “Attention Porkrumple Evergreen” or some other infamous elf’s name, and said elf would make sure the items got on the general list AND that the fake children’s names were added to the nice list, so that these adults could get what they wanted, as much as they wanted. Yes, it was quite the scandal.
    Long story short (er, shorter, at least) Santa found out and some security measures were put in place to make sure that only nice little existent children get presents. The elves involved were fired. Many of them started working at carnivals or circus acts. A few of them ended up in films. Remember Burglekutt in the movie Willow? Yeah. His real name is Mardwiskers Northunder, but he changed it to Mark Northover after the scandal. His reputation as an elf was shot, which meant he could only really go into acting or politics, which I guess are actually the same field.
    As for Bobkins Snifflebrook, he got away with it. But don’t you worry. On the anniversary of the Dancerina debut, a dead fish “mysteriously” appears in his desk, locker, car, or anywhere else I can hide it.


2) Is it true that the elves forced the Eskimos out of their land and took control of the area because elves are more civilized than elves?
    From the context, I assume you mean to say “because elves are more civilized than Eskimos”, am I correct? If so, you seriously need to get some diversity training, number one. Number two (I heard you giggle just now - this is serious!) “Eskimo” is a derisive term! We know them as “Indigenous Circumpolar People” or “Circumpolar Humans.” We certainly did NOT force them off their land. (Is that what they teach in Common Core?!) North Pole Island was uninhabited by humans when St. Nick arrived in  the year 343 AD. However, there was a community of elves that existed there since the dawn of time that he eventually hired to help him make toys, etc. and, as they say, the rest is history.

3) Do elves believe in a Santa Claus like humans? Do they [h]ave a separate Santa than we do?
    This question presupposes that Santa is a mythological figure and his existence can therefore be duplicated, irrespective of blatant incongruities of nature and function. (No, elves don’t have a separate Santa Claus! He’s not James Bond, for heaven’s sake.)


4) What is the succession plan for Santa, when he passes on?
    Santa Claus was born in the year 270 AD and he still hasn’t died. There are no current plans for a successor because we all believe that he is going to live forever. And, no, the reason he lives for ever isn’t because he drinks blood! So please don’t ask!
    
   
    Well, that sounded kind of harsh. I’m sure Carl is a great guy who doesn’t mean any harm. I guess I’m still upset about my performance at the Elf Olympics. (Better luck next year!) Merry Christmas, Carl!



TTYL,
Fritz

Killer Whale, Santa Reps, and Quarterpockets

    Today is the big day: the Elf Olympics! I have my two events this afternoon, so I will fill you in tomorrow as to how things went. I’m glad I didn’t compete this morning, because I was able to pick up my sis, Jingletoots, at the airport AND see Miss Sweetcheeks compete in female figure skating. Wow. She was fantastic! Unfortunately, we don’t know how she placed in the event because not every competitor got the chance to skate today. You see, during the performance of another female, Rozlepuff Mistletoe, a huge killer whale broke through the ice and started thrashing around. The whole arena freaked out and evacuated. (I don’t know why - seems like this happens every year. They really should consider using an indoor arena with “artificial” ice.) They hope to get things back to normal by this evening and continue the competition then.
    Things are going very well in the doll division. We are at least a week ahead of production schedule! Requests pour in daily from different Santa reps around the world - you know, the guys that dress up and represent Santa at different Christmas parties and department store photo shoots. I might get in trouble for telling you this, but basically, these guys don’t have to remember a thing you tell them. They just ask you what you want, and a little blue tooth device picks up the request and it pops up on our computer system in real time.
    The information is then analyzed and a board reviews it to make sure we can comply with the requests due to safety or general practicality. (No kid is going to get a tank for Christmas - I’m sorry!) And sometimes requests are denied based on parent requests, such as a kid who wants a pony for Christmas, and Mom and Dad can’t afford to buy it hay for the rest of its life or lack the space necessary for such a big animal. So, we have to run the data bases and make sure everything jives.
    After approval is granted, the requests are sent off to their specific divisions. If you’re asking for a Barbie, a teddy bear, a Monster High doll, or a Big Hugs Elmo (barf), your request will get sent to my department. It is then added to the production list of a specific team, and the toy-making process begins. The system has been in place for such a long time, everything usually works out just fine.
    There are still the occasional mishap, however. Sometimes the requests have to be revised, as kids are prone to change their minds. Sometimes, though, the revision doesn’t happen in time. Sometimes the blue tooth device doesn’t pick up the child’s request exactly right and a girl that asks for a “fairy princess dress” gets a “bucket of horse manure.” (You gotta wonder - was that really an accident?) Sometimes there’s a glitch in the parent/child request interface system and a kid ends up with a rocket-propelled grenade. And sometimes Santa Claus gets sued for giving a kid a rocket-propelled grenade. (Yes, lawyers rule the world, children, and we’re all terrified of them. Even St. Nick.) So, for all our sakes, kids, make a practical Christmas wish list and stick to it!
    I got a little collar with a tag for my little arctic fox, Quarterpockets. He looks good. I’m training him with little doggie treats I bought at Candy and Cain’s Grocery. He really likes them and he’s learning really fast! He can roll over, play dead, and shake. He’s pretty awesome, I’m not gonna lie. But, then again, he’s got an excellent trainer. (Ha!)
    19 days, folks! We broke the 20 day mark!
Yours,
Fritz

Happy Birthday, Doughball Fight, Gangnam Style, and the Outstanding Elf

            Hello again, Readers!
            First of all, before I say anything else, let me give a shout out to a faithful reader named Emily Bowers, who left the first comment ever on this blog! Thanks, Emily, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Let me give you an update on yesterday’s events. First off, remember the gingerbread disaster? Well, the batch of gingerbread dough that Peppersniff Wubblegump contaminated was about to be thrown away when the head baker, Cookie Bingblossom, decided to dump it out on the elf recreational field and have a gingerbread dough food fight. Instead of snowballs, all the elves that came to the event balled up gingerbread dough and let it fly!

Some of us made gingerbread dough “snowmen”. The funnest part was eating the gingerbread men! (Which kind of defeated the purpose, but…whatever.) I had a flashback to “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” – Kalima! Kalimaaa!  (Twisted. I know.)

Everything was going great until the dough got hard. (That’s what happens in 4°F (or -16°C) weather.) So, unfortunately, the “doughball” fight took a terrible turn for the worse and we had to call it quits. (It’s all fun and games until someone gets hit in the face with a frozen ball of gingerbread dough.)

I had to take one of my buddies to North Pole General Hospital ER and he ended up getting four stitches in the back of his head, courtesy of Dr. Picklejinx.  I myself went home with a black eye, which I treated with a big frozen reindeer steak (they’re not all for Santa’s sleigh – hate to break it to you).

In other news, the one suggested name for the fox that I got was “Trudy”, but after some research into human names I discovered that “Trudy” is most commonly a girl’s name! I don’t want to give my little guy a complex…So, I gave him a very common human boy’s name: Quarterpockets. I think it fits him pretty well.

This morning, at our weekly Christmas briefing, Santa Claus came out in dark sunglasses to the song Gangnam Style and proceeded to do the signature dance move center stage for about five minutes – and that is a VERY long time when you are doing ONE dance move. Urgle…You know those times where even though you’re not the one everyone’s staring at, you still feel embarrassed? Yeah…case in point. That song is so 2012! Anyway, he received, of course, a courtesy standing ovation (seems like an oxy moron…) and morale was officially boosted for the meeting that proceeded.

At the meeting, Mintchuckle Sweetcheeks was given the Outstanding Elf award (which is given out at the beginning of all the Christmas briefings, but I have yet to get one!) for saving Mr. Wubblegump.  (I have got to get that girl’s number!)

Finally, today is my last day of practice before the big day. Zoiks! Tomorrow is the Elf Olympics and, as you know, I will be competing in Snowboarding and Skijumping. I have a good feeling about tomorrow! Here’s a picture from the most dangerous ski slope at the resort. Yeah. I did that.

My sister, Jingletoots, is flying in from San Francisco (not all elves live at the North Pole, you know) and will be cheering me on with the rest of my family.

Well, again, thanks for reading. Only 20 days until Christmas! Make sure you stay on the Nice List! You can do it!

Cheers!

Fritz

Gingerbread Disaster and an Arctic Fox

Dec. 4, 2013

Well, yesterday was a complete fiasco. The whole candy division was shut down for five hours. FIVE. That really hurt production - big time. What happened was, this one elf, Peppersniff Wubblegump, who previously worked in the reindeer stables and is new to the bakery, fell into a HUGE vat of gingerbread dough.  Everyone was frantic trying to get him out before the mechanized vat tipped over and plopped a big pile of dough onto the conveyer belt, headed for the roller (kind of like a giant rolling pin that flattens the dough). Right after the roller is the giant cookie cutter that cuts thousands of little gingerbread men and then comes the oven that (obviously) bakes them. So, you can see what all the fuss was about. I can just imagine sorting through aaaaaaaaall those cookies looking for Mr. Wubblegump…
            Anyhoo, right before the giant vat raised and tipped out the dough, Mintchuckle Sweetcheeks (a really cute blonde who lives down the street from me) tossed him a safety rope and pulled him out. That was a close one.

Typically, I’m in my office in the doll division during that time, but I had to settle a time-card dispute with Elf Resources, and the office is right next door to the bakery, which is part of the candy division. (So complicated, I know.)

What a mad house that place was. Yeesh. The paramedics came and checked on him and he was fine, but then OSHA showed up and had to do some big investigation and blah blah blah. I’m sure we’ll have to get some more safety training within the next couple weeks just because some elf decided to take a swim in the gingerbread dough. (Haha! Not really, poor guy...)

In other news, last night, after I had finished practicing my ski jumps, taken off my skis, and was about to put on my elf stockings, I noticed a little white ball of fur in one of my snow boots. To my surprise, it was a baby arctic fox! I tried to find out if it was lost, so I could help it find its mom or something, but I don’t know any words in fox-language. I mean, what does the fox say?

Anyway, after looking around for his mother, I decided to keep him for now – and it is a him, I checked with Dr. Treacletart, the vet. I’m still trying to think of a good name for the little guy. (Not Dr. Treacletart - the fox. Dr. Treacletart already has a name.) Let me know if you have any suggestions!

Laters,

Fritz

Northern Lights, Dancing With the Stars, and the Naughty List

Dec. 3, 2014

Yesterday was an awesome day to be out on the snow. Sugar Slopes was packed with elves practicing for the Elf Olympics on Friday. I am getting kind of nervous, I tell you what!

Last night, after practice, I sat in the hot tub on the front porch of Sugar Slopes Lodge and watched the Northern Lights as I sipped hot chocolate. It was amazing! Have you ever seen the Northern Lights? You should google some pictures, if you get the chance. It’s awesome.

Santa Claus is busy working with an agent to see if he can get on that American TV show, “Dancing With the Stars.” Apparently, he’s up against Dog the Bounty Hunter and Michael Moore. Incidentally, he was mistaken for Mr. Moore when he was down in New York City for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in 2009, which was kind of insulting. Here’s a picture from 2009 taken at an airport in Las Vegas on Christmas Eve. I don’t think he looks like Michael Moore at all, do you?

 

Anyway, I think it’s a waste of time, plus, Santa’s not a very good dancer. He’s so nice, though. I don’t have the heart to tell him there’s no possible way he can win. Oh well.

Reports are coming in daily about the good and bad behavior of children around the world. We have a huge digitalized list of children behind the stage at the North Pole Conference Center. The names flicker like those little white Christmas lights you see on people’s houses with names bouncing from one list to the other by the second. Probably shouldn’t mention this, but Miley Cyrus topped the naughty list for years until her birthday last month when she turned 21 (the official North Pole age of adulthood).

Speaking of which, the naughty side is really long this year, unfortunately. Yikes! I hope that changes soon! One of the big things that the elf agents are reporting is sharing, or rather, NOT sharing. Little kids love the toys Santa brings, but they don’t like sharing them. What the junk? Being selfish with your toys is NAUGHTY! So start sharing so you can get back on the nice list! (You know who you are...)

Of course, they also report that a lot of children are being nice by offering to help Mom and Dad with chores around the house. That is really nice! Keep up the good work!

Tata for now,

Fritz

P.S. Remember, if you have any questions about life up at the North Pole or anything else, feel free to write me!

Occupy North Pole, Polar Bears, and the Elf Olympics

     We've had a lot of snow so far this year, which has made for some great snow skiing up at Sugar Slopes, the local ski resort. I usually spend my afternoons up there after I get off work. The workload has been picking up ever since mid-November, since Christmas is coming early this year. (Little joke there.) Santa is still pretty good about making sure morale is up, though,  and he makes sure we get enough recreational time. We just have to work extra hard in the mornings to get all our projects finished by the afternoon.
     Speaking of which, our morning has already been extra busy. You see, there were some Occupy North Pole protestors that showed up at the gates of the factory, making a scene. I thought that whole movement died out, but apparently not. (Every so often some enviro group shows up to protest, which always makes me wonder what fossil-fuel vehicle they used to get all the way up here...) They were getting a little out of control, and we were just about to call Elf Security (and I'm thinking, 'Really? What's a three foot tall elf going to do?') but luckily for us (but unluckily for them) the ONP protest correlated precisely with the annual polar bear migration. (Which reminds me, they always tell you not to eat yellow snow, but they never say anything about red snow, and trust me - it should be equally avoided.) At least the enviro groups always have the mind to avoid polar bear season. Oh well.
    In other news, I am looking forward to the Elf Olympics that are happening this Friday. Woot! I'm competing for gold in Snowboarding and Skijumping. (The gold medal is actually a chocolate medal in a gold wrapping, but still - it's a very prestigious award!) Unfortunately, I didn't make the Curling team this year, but that's okay. I'll just have to try again next year I guess.
    Well, children of the English-speaking world, I'd better get back to work so I can get some more practice in today. Make sure you don't end up on the naughty list! Our international elf agents are paying close attention to all of your activities and make their reports daily!
     Until next time,
     Fritz